A Global Network of Prayer Warriors
First Testimony
First, if you don't already know, my name is Apostle Shawntel Jefferson. I'm sharing my testimony for others who may have or are experiencing similar experiences. So that they may be strong and continue to move forward in Christ.
I am the second oldest of five children. The only daughter in the group. As a child I often experienced lonliness and questioned the love others had for me. By the time I was in the fourth grade I had begun tossing around thoughts of suicide. I felt so invisible. So unloved. The situation became so evident that my computer instructor expressed to my mother that I should have regular interaction with other girls my age. Of course my mom threw that to the wind. I love my mom. But the truth is my mom didn't understand what was really evolving in my life.
After graduating from the fifth grade, I began planning my death. The need to belong. To be loved was so strong. And my desperation was pulling me down...quick. All the while,from a toddler to that point in my life, God was tugging at my heart. I battled with questions of His existence, His love. How could He love me? I truly felt worthless.
I remember that summer considering what way I should die. Pills? Fume exhaustion? Slice my wrists? I look back and know only God could have stopped such a plan. Each attempt I made was blocked somehow. The first time I heard a quiet soft voice speak, I looked around. Who was that? I know I heard someone talking to me! But I looked and saw no one. I was a little scared. Shaking it off, I decided to proceed. I already had the knife in my hand. I was ready. Then it happened again. I heard that voice. I lie not. The voice said to me, "Shawntel, your brothers need you." I said, "They don't need me. They don't love me. No one loves me." Thought to myself this is a joke. I looked and found no one there with me. I shook it off. Took the knife in my hand and saw the idea of stabbing myself visually unfold before my eyes. Yes,I thought, suicide in a different way. Just short of piercing my flesh...again the voice came. "Shawntel, your brothers need you in a way no one else can fulfill. You have to do this. You have to be there." How ironic that it was that at that precise moment people began piling into the room. How ironic one of brothers walked in and told me they loved me. So I decided I'd put the thought to the back burner.
For the next six years I had many thoughts on God's existence and inexistence expressed to me. I was still wondering who to believe. In 1995, at the age of seventeen I was kicked out for defending my siblings from family abuse. I must acknowledge God never leaves you blind. I would later think on this and realize God had been preparing me for this shift in life. You see for at least six months before this occurred,my belongings were already packed. I could not explain why I needed my things packed. But God knew. When I was kicked out I had no where to go. No one to live with. I was involved with the NJROTC program. At that time I was the commanding officer of the female drill team. This is an important fact, just to show how God uses those we interact with for our deliverance. As I sat there hurt and in despair, not knowing what to do. Not knowing where to go. I heard that voice I hadn't heard in quite so long. The Lord instructed me to call a young lady from my team, a freshman as a matter of fact. I didn't know if I was losing my mind or not. I thought nothing to do but call. I called and the girl's sister and boyfriend picked me up. As a matter of fact I was told I could live with them. It was then I began attending church regularly. Shortly after I was filled with the Holy Spirit. I gave my life to Christ. Felt so incredible to be loved and feel it all the time. But if you know like I know, when we give our life to Christ, trials do not cease to come our way.
I was asked to move back home,which I did. From then until now I have had many horrible experiences. From verbal,mental, emotional abuse. Persecution for my belief in Christ and for speaking in tongues. Had an instructor oppose my praying in school. Experienced spousal abuse. Slept on a cold dirt floor. Ate out of cans. Slept in the cold. I know what it's like to go without eating. Pregnant and on my own without financial assistance. Death wanted me, but God enabld me to walk away from a totalled out vehicle and my son lived to be born. Had a run in with some drug dealers demanding their money from an in-law. Had a gun to my head more than once. I was nearly abducted on my way to school. Had an ex-fiancee brake into my apartment and attempt to harm me. He simply did not want to imagine me with someone else in the future. In his own words he told me,"If I can't have you,nobody can." But after a few minutes he turned and left.God woke me up,too many times to count, when I fell asleep driving. Gave me joy in the midst of brokeness. Gave me a smile in place of my sadness. I've witnessed crimes and God allowed me to walk away unharmed. The pain that comes when you've fed your kids what you had and it wasn't enough. I have been there.
I can look back and know God was there everytime. Things could always be worst. And for someone else...it is. God never allows more than we can bare. He desires to love us and heal us.
In order to receive His love we must answer God's call. We must open the door ( our heart) and let Him heal us inside and out. We must be honest about our needs. We must be honest about what love really is. What the word "love" really,truly means. When you experience God's love, you'll never want to move backwards. I give you Lord all the glory. All the praise. Thank you for loving me so incredibly. Thank you Lord for cleansing me and making whole what someone else broke; crushed; trampled; pushed away; overlooked. You alone are worthy to receive praise.
If you hear that quiet voice speak to you? Never speaking of evil. But of comfort and love. If you have thoughts suddenly about God...He is calling to you. He wants you to seek Him. He wants you to be made whole. It is not some random mental act of craziness on your part. God is tugging at your heart.
I am the second oldest of five children. The only daughter in the group. As a child I often experienced lonliness and questioned the love others had for me. By the time I was in the fourth grade I had begun tossing around thoughts of suicide. I felt so invisible. So unloved. The situation became so evident that my computer instructor expressed to my mother that I should have regular interaction with other girls my age. Of course my mom threw that to the wind. I love my mom. But the truth is my mom didn't understand what was really evolving in my life.
After graduating from the fifth grade, I began planning my death. The need to belong. To be loved was so strong. And my desperation was pulling me down...quick. All the while,from a toddler to that point in my life, God was tugging at my heart. I battled with questions of His existence, His love. How could He love me? I truly felt worthless.
I remember that summer considering what way I should die. Pills? Fume exhaustion? Slice my wrists? I look back and know only God could have stopped such a plan. Each attempt I made was blocked somehow. The first time I heard a quiet soft voice speak, I looked around. Who was that? I know I heard someone talking to me! But I looked and saw no one. I was a little scared. Shaking it off, I decided to proceed. I already had the knife in my hand. I was ready. Then it happened again. I heard that voice. I lie not. The voice said to me, "Shawntel, your brothers need you." I said, "They don't need me. They don't love me. No one loves me." Thought to myself this is a joke. I looked and found no one there with me. I shook it off. Took the knife in my hand and saw the idea of stabbing myself visually unfold before my eyes. Yes,I thought, suicide in a different way. Just short of piercing my flesh...again the voice came. "Shawntel, your brothers need you in a way no one else can fulfill. You have to do this. You have to be there." How ironic that it was that at that precise moment people began piling into the room. How ironic one of brothers walked in and told me they loved me. So I decided I'd put the thought to the back burner.
For the next six years I had many thoughts on God's existence and inexistence expressed to me. I was still wondering who to believe. In 1995, at the age of seventeen I was kicked out for defending my siblings from family abuse. I must acknowledge God never leaves you blind. I would later think on this and realize God had been preparing me for this shift in life. You see for at least six months before this occurred,my belongings were already packed. I could not explain why I needed my things packed. But God knew. When I was kicked out I had no where to go. No one to live with. I was involved with the NJROTC program. At that time I was the commanding officer of the female drill team. This is an important fact, just to show how God uses those we interact with for our deliverance. As I sat there hurt and in despair, not knowing what to do. Not knowing where to go. I heard that voice I hadn't heard in quite so long. The Lord instructed me to call a young lady from my team, a freshman as a matter of fact. I didn't know if I was losing my mind or not. I thought nothing to do but call. I called and the girl's sister and boyfriend picked me up. As a matter of fact I was told I could live with them. It was then I began attending church regularly. Shortly after I was filled with the Holy Spirit. I gave my life to Christ. Felt so incredible to be loved and feel it all the time. But if you know like I know, when we give our life to Christ, trials do not cease to come our way.
I was asked to move back home,which I did. From then until now I have had many horrible experiences. From verbal,mental, emotional abuse. Persecution for my belief in Christ and for speaking in tongues. Had an instructor oppose my praying in school. Experienced spousal abuse. Slept on a cold dirt floor. Ate out of cans. Slept in the cold. I know what it's like to go without eating. Pregnant and on my own without financial assistance. Death wanted me, but God enabld me to walk away from a totalled out vehicle and my son lived to be born. Had a run in with some drug dealers demanding their money from an in-law. Had a gun to my head more than once. I was nearly abducted on my way to school. Had an ex-fiancee brake into my apartment and attempt to harm me. He simply did not want to imagine me with someone else in the future. In his own words he told me,"If I can't have you,nobody can." But after a few minutes he turned and left.God woke me up,too many times to count, when I fell asleep driving. Gave me joy in the midst of brokeness. Gave me a smile in place of my sadness. I've witnessed crimes and God allowed me to walk away unharmed. The pain that comes when you've fed your kids what you had and it wasn't enough. I have been there.
I can look back and know God was there everytime. Things could always be worst. And for someone else...it is. God never allows more than we can bare. He desires to love us and heal us.
In order to receive His love we must answer God's call. We must open the door ( our heart) and let Him heal us inside and out. We must be honest about our needs. We must be honest about what love really is. What the word "love" really,truly means. When you experience God's love, you'll never want to move backwards. I give you Lord all the glory. All the praise. Thank you for loving me so incredibly. Thank you Lord for cleansing me and making whole what someone else broke; crushed; trampled; pushed away; overlooked. You alone are worthy to receive praise.
If you hear that quiet voice speak to you? Never speaking of evil. But of comfort and love. If you have thoughts suddenly about God...He is calling to you. He wants you to seek Him. He wants you to be made whole. It is not some random mental act of craziness on your part. God is tugging at your heart.
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